Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
You Might Also Like
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.