GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
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customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
A woman drives into a bar.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!