When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.