I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.