Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
lmao
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.