i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?