I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
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I’m crying im so happy for them
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
an octopus is just a wet spider
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
i think both sides are to blame here
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff