Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Welcome