Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
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ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything