“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
and now we wait
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.