If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
You Might Also Like
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Potatoes were such a good idea