I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.