Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
for all #parents out there
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce