‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
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It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car