Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”