After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
jesus, what did this guy do
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Love is always patient and kind.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said