People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
#gardening
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse