Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed