I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.