me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
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I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
When someone says you are so lazy
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.