So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Best seat on the street 😍