He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR