I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
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Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
what the hell pray for carter everyone