you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I hope it’s French Onion!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company