My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear