I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
A woman drives into a bar.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin