I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
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Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Finally
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Nothing to do, you say?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl