ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough