For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
You Might Also Like
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: