I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
You Might Also Like
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
the chicken was already gone when I got here