I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
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I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.