I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend