Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
my proudest tweet
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”