[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Florida be like…
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.