Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
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HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy