[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that