KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
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I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Phones down.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
So inspired right now.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.