You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat