Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )