homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
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Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that