Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.