I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
How to make infinite energy.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Become ungovernable.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]