Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
You Might Also Like
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.