A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
how long have you had this for?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.