“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.