Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
me when i see my girls butt
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.