I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.