[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now