I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin