People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
You Might Also Like
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.